


Hollow Hill Archives

by imperfect_tense



Category: Teletubbies (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, Mystery, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25453258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imperfect_tense/pseuds/imperfect_tense
Summary: File fragments recovered from a failed scientific expedition.CW: strong language, mild references to violence
Kudos: 6





	1. "Custard"

Tubby custard is a meat product. That's one of the things they don't tell you during orientation. They ought to. They ought to put it in the manual. _The subjects are benign. The solar phenomenon is harmless. And tubby custard is a fucking liquified meat product._

Instead everyone has to find out the hard way. You're just getting into the routine, you're finally starting to feel at ease around these eight foot tall fuzzy babies, and then the smell hits you. Rotting meat. A sick, sour smell, like the water that sweats off week old chicken.

I asked one of the biologists once why it was so fucking foul. _Why does it have to be rotten? Is something broken? Is their habitat's freezer unit down?_ He didn't know. His best theory was that their digestive system needed it that way. He stood there and told me with a straight face that he thought maybe they'd been carrion eaters in their ancestral environment, like it was an interesting factoid, like he hadn't just given me a week's worth of nightmares in two words. Carrion eaters.

Tubby toast on the other hand is fucking delicious. It's some kind of complex carb. You're not meant to take things from the habitat, but you can eat as much of that as you want on site and no one will stop you. It's even better with the jelly from the ration packs. You take a little–

— Fragment of log, project HH015, recovered 2122039.


	2. "Creche"

_It's a creche planet._ Everybody has the same take. You've been planetside for five days, you've seen the habitat, you've even swapped a couple words of baby talk with the subjects. You finish your coffee, you wait for a gap in conversation, and _uh, uh, hey I've got a theory, what if it's a creche planet._ Wrong. Fucking wrong. You fucking hack.

I'd never say that to one of my colleagues. We maintain a professional environment. But after the 50th time I really want to. It's not a creche planet.

You want to know how I know?

███ ███ ███████ ████ ████.

I've seen the tapes. Now maybe whoever built the infrastructure didn't anticipate that. Maybe they didn't think anyone else would come here. But if I'm building a creche for _my_ kids, where they're going to be all alone, you better believe I'm putting in hardware to stop people from █████████ and ██████████ them.

And since I know this is going to be audited, and since luckily I also know the auditing software is a piece of shit, let me put it another way.

T. Her. Use. D. Too (bee). F-i-v-e.

— Fragment of log, project HH015, recovered 2122039 (audited).


	3. "The Sun"

Of the top ten questions I get asked during O&O, number four or five is always, _why is the sun a baby?_ Well, correct. Good question. I'd be happier if they looked past that for five seconds and asked why it was a _human_ baby, because that's the actually weird part, the part I don't like, but whatever. They're new, the sun's a baby, what gives.

If they thought back to their stay on Ceres Orbital, they'd remember that no, the sun is in fact _not_ a giant glowing baby head. It's a main sequence G, just like we've got at home. The face is a holographic projection, cast from atmospheric micros. It's the same hardware that keeps the surface temperature constant. Yes it's nanotech. No you don't have to lose your mind over it. Just follow scrubbing procedures when you go offworld and you'll be fine.

If I've got a sharp group, then sometimes by question six or seven they get to asking _why is it a human baby._ Ding-ding-ding. Answer that question and there's a permanent position for you.

I can even save you some time. If every human leaves the planet, it does not stop being a human baby. If you look at it through a lemur's visiocortex, brain-scanned onto a monitor, it does not stop being a human baby. If every homo-sapien goes offworld, leaving a sole chimp as the only primate on the surface, it does not stop being a human baby. Yes, why, chimps _are_ expensive to move in stasis. No, the person who suggested that is _not_ working here any more. Actually she got promoted.

If I get a really sharp group, or if we break for lunch mid-session, I sometimes get the suggestion, _maybe the system baby-ducked onto the first alien race it saw._ Well, nil points. Unless you can prove it, in which case one million points.

None of this is in the manual. It's one of those things that looks too ridiculous written down. Baby face sun, baby talk you can hear from the surface. Fucking ludicrous. You can't even submit it in a report without the editing software trying to screen it out as gibberish.

There's one other thing that never comes up, even in O&O. Something nobody talks about, no matter how drunk or bored we get.

Somtimes, the baby looks right at you. And I swear to god–

— Fragment of log, project HH015, recovered 2122039.


	4. "Viewing"

**a.assez:**  
Hi there.  
 **PROSE:**  
ɛ ɶ  
 **a.assez:**  
How are you doing today? I like your bag. Did the habitat make that for you?  
 **PROSE:**  
a bɒ a bɒ hɒ hɒ hɒ  
 **d.mensch:**  
Is its head thing meant to be glowing?  
 **PROSE:**  
ʊ ɶ  
 **a.assez:**  
Oh shit! It's going to view. Get the camera rolling.  
 **d.mensch:**  
What? It's going to what?  
It's rolling.  
What the fuck.  
 **a.assez:**  
Didn't you read the lifeform manual? They do remote viewing.  
 **d.mensch:**  
Of what?  
 **a.assez:**  
Of an old woman apparently.  
 **PROSE:**  
ʉ-ʉ  
 **d.mensch:**  
What the fuck.  
Wait a minute.  
Mom?  
 **a.assez:**  
It's usually kids or animals from homeworld.  
 **d.mensch:**  
I think that's my mom. Holy shit. Mom!  
 **a.assez:**  
It's one way.  
 **d.mensch:**  
Is this live? How the fuck is it getting this. How the fuck are you showing this.  
 **a.assez:**  
Hey. Hey, we don't touch the subjects.  
Dan, get back.  
 **d.mensch:**  
But that's my mom's kitchen. That's my home.  
 **a.assez:**  
I know. Come on. Back off.  
You should have read the manual.  
 **a.assez:**  
You okay?  
 **d.mensch:**  
What the fuck.  
 **unknown:**  
I'm making almond cookies.  
We mix the dough in a bowl.  
 **d.mensch:**  
Who's she talking to.  
Is there somebody with her?  
 **a.assez:**  
Does she bake?  
 **d.mensch:**  
I guess.  
 **unknown:**  
I have to turn on the oven. To get it ready.  
 **d.mensch:**  
I miss you mom.

— Transcript of video fragment, project HH015, recovered 2122039.


	5. "Semibiological"

Semibiologicals are a big topic of study around here. I hadn't even heard the term before I left homeworld, but out here it's ubiquitous. Semibiological this and semibiological that. _Oh have you seen the new aquatic plant samples? No, are they semibiological? They're semibiological! Oh my god, I can't believe it, another semibiological. Semi-fucking-hurray!_

Honestly, I swear to christ I've heard someone screaming _semibiological_ through the quarters wall at 1AM.

There's even a theory that the subjects are semibiological. Officially, we don't know whether they are or not, but unofficially... ;) ;) ;)

I never know what's going to set the audit system off. It's normally okay if you're oblique enough. It struggles with context.

The rabbits are semibiological. They weren't here when we arrived. The survey teams reported no fauna at all (apart from the subjects) on the scan & plan run a year before anyone set foot planetside. Then we touched down with a prefab base and six liters of generic all-purpose leporidae DNA, and within a few days rabbits started popping up out of the woodwork without any human intervention.

They didn't scan the fox DNA. They ignored the whale DNA. We didn't start finding mantis shrimp multiplying in the tranquil ponds. They took the bunnies and _only_ the bunnies. Make of that what you will. Either it was a symbolic attempt at communication from the planet systems, _or_ it was an aesthetic choice related to the rabbit's pastoral connotations, _or_ it was a single species chosen at random from the experimental stock, in which case we are very lucky we're not up to our assholes in amphibious spitting cobras right now.

The first rabbit we cut open didn't have any blood vessels connected to its heart. It had been hopping around merrily, nibbling at its clover, going fucking silflay on its idyllic meadow with no functioning heart. The medicals went wild at that. Semibiological. Semibiological. Semibiologicaaaaal.

It was the only one we ever found like that. The rest were better put together. Things were still slightly off, but every discrepency was logged and noted, then completely failed to appear in any future sample. Some bright spark in the biology department tried filing a fraudulent report. _Uh, uh, the rabbit doesn't seem to have venom sacs behind its teeth._ The next one did. There was a lot of noise about that, and the venom sacks disappeared from future samples. Afterwards their anatomy continued wobbling towards normality, except now we felt like there was something looking over our shoulder. The med tech behind the venom report got sanctioned. He should have got a medal in my opinion.

Moving on to how semibiologicals taste. It's actually–

— Fragment of log, project HH015, recovered 2122039.


	6. "Hi Alistair"

To: a.monroe>intst.ceresstation  
Fr: a.assez>intst.transit7736

Hi Alistair,

Thanks for the information you sent through. The facility looks amazing! I didn't expect there to be leisure facilities. And the labs! I don't think even my last homeworld position compares. Really looking forward to working with you :)

I just had a couple of thoughts about the indigenous life forms. I know this can probably wait until I start work, but it strikes me as odd that they show a high level of technology, but possess fairly limited language and cognitive abilities. Do you think they could be juveniles of the species? I.e. could we be looking at a creche planet? Something to think about.

I'm also extremely curious about the power source of their habitat. The windmill shown in the survey report couldn't possibly fulfill even their basic needs.

I'll continue to contemplate my position on these issues during the trip out. I'll be on ice for most of it, but I've scheduled a few waking days for sightseeing and health checks en-route

Once again, very excited at the prospect of working with you.

Kind regards,  
Dr. Alice Assez

— Message log, project HH015, recorded 2119017.

* * *

To: a.assez>intst.transit7736  
Fr: a.monroe>intst.ceresstation

Hi Alice,

We're looking forward to seeing you too. We lost our last interaction specialist to a medical issue, and we've been short staffed since. Sucks that we have to wait another 9 months but it's not like the subjects are going anywhere. If you get a chance, check out the ice fields you pass by on day 95. They're not on the chart, but the refraction pattern they make on the star field is pretty great.

As for your suggestion on the nature of the subject colony, I'm frankly blown away. A creche planet. Amazing. This is the kind of unique and fascinating insight I'd hope but scarcely dare to expect from an academic of your caliber. I'm going to forward your thoughts to the entire research team. I can say without hyperbole that you may have just cracked the entire mystery of project HH015. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

And to satisfy a little of your curiosity, the windmill in the photos is non-functional. The power source is some kind of exotic star tapping, maybe the neutrino field or something. That's one for physists anyway 🤷.

Hope you do okay in stasis. Catch up on your sleep. You'll need it.

Kind regards,  
Dr. Alistair Monroe.  
Head of Onboarding & Orientation.

— Message log, project HH015, recorded 2119046.


	7. "xxxxxxxxx"

**Patient 0x81p:**  
Sinister? No, I wouldn't say the place is sinister. It's just weird. It's a mystery. That's kind of why I like working on hollow hills. That is, project HH015.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
Absolutely not. The subjects are harmless. They're big babies. There were some rumours right at the start, hazing stuff, but no, I never felt unsafe.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
Oh, dumb stuff. Like, you know the cleaning robot they have?

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
Right, that's what they call it. Well right at the start they – the other techs – they tried to convince me it was alive. Like, not that it was a sentient machine. That there was an actual living thing cocooned in there, running it with buttons and levers.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
They took pity on me. After about a week of no sleep, they showed me the actual spectographic x-rays of the damn thing. It's weird tech, but it _is_ tech. There was no boogie-man in there.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
Uh, what? Sure there are. Like I said, they showed them to me. You can only see shadow outlines, but there's definitely boards and servos. It's like a glorified vacbot.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
I don't like that. I don't like that at all.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
No. No, I'm good. Wait a minute. Are you messing with me? [laughter] That's it isn't it. That's what this whole eval is about, isn't it. One big head-trip to get me to tell you about █████████.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
█████████. You know. The answer. The truth. The key to– well. The key to pretty much everything.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
It's in the screens. You get that, right? █████████ is found in the screens.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
I won't be with you much longer.

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Interrogator:**  
—

**Patient 0x81p:**  
[laughter] You know where.

— Transcript of partial audio log, project HH015, recovered 2122039 (audited).


	8. "Message"

To: staff>intst.ceresstation  
Fr: b.khunbish>intst.ceresstation

What if GOD wanted to talk to us 🙏 Would he send an angel? 👼 Would he send a prophet? 🧙 Would he send a letter? ✉️

Maybe he'd ask us to come and climb the mountain. But we don't read letters anymore. There's no stone here. There's no sound here. There's only one thing here

📺📺📺📺

Dr. Bug Khunbish  
Head of Interactions

______________________

To: staff>intst.ceresstation  
Fr: s.grover>intst.ceresstation

Is this some kind of joke?

Is Dr. Khunbish proselytyzing? Isn't he an atheist?? What is going on???

Dr. Sakhi Grover Bioinformatics Officer

______________________

To: medical>intst.ceresstation; staff>intst.ceresstation  
Fr: a.monroe>intst.ceresstation

 _Bipipipip._ Dr. Monroe paging medical. Are you guys asleep down there? You may want to get off your asses and handle this _ongoing mental health crisis._

ALTERNATIVELY if this is just a shitpost then bravo good work.

Dr. Alistair Monroe.  
Head of Onboarding & Orientation.

______________________

To: b.khunbish>intst.ceresstation; staff>intst.ceresstation  
Fr: j.craft>intst.ceresstation

Dr. Khunbish, this is an unauthorized use of facility communications infrastructure. I'm issuing you an infraction. Further abuse will result in limits placed on your comms account.

Jenny Craft  
Facility Security

— Fragment of message exchange, project HH015, recovered 2122039.


End file.
